It’s difficult to get a kid who is not your biological child and not a newborn either. Trying to figure out how to deal with them and show them grace is not easy. I did not always do well with our children when my husband and I were married almost 22 years ago. Some needed so much more attention and snuggling and yet stimulation than I knew how to give. We managed somehow with blending our family, but having them come together as a family at 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7 years old, was much more difficult than it was with the one child we had together a year later. For that matter, the two I brought into the marriage and the three he brought into our marriage were easier for us to understand since we had been with them since birth.

There was so much change in these childrens’ lives. They had been through turmoil. Their parents loved them, but they were no longer with both their parents and at their ages, they didn’t really understand. I’m sure they felt they may have done something wrong that caused their parents to get a divorce. I know I felt that way at 10 when my parents divorced. Our children were still in many ways mourning this relational split and trying to find routine as a one-parent family. Then, they had extra siblings and a step-parent to get used to 24/7. This could not have easy on them. It wasn’t easy on us as parents. Although we loved all of them as our own, there was a certain sense of responsibility we had for the ones we brought into the marriage. When they acted up, we were defensive often. When we thought one wanted too much attention, we didn’t know how to deal with it. A couple months after the first year, we had a child together. We thought this would be a bond and give our family someone in common. It did, but it took time too. Things don’t just happen overnight, even in a non-blended family.

The first few years of marriage and bonding our family was very difficult. There were so many things to deal with. We both had exes who we thought it was important the kids spend time with at least a couple weekends each month. Being that they lived 4 and 5 hours from us, and not in the same town, it was often difficult to make this happen, but we tried very hard. The kids did at least get to see their grandparents often. (and there were many of them now)

Take lots of pictures of what they make, save them and maybe you can find a time when they can play with their creations while the younger one(s) is occupied elsewhere. We had to side-track R doing something while the older kids played with Lego’s as she was likely to eat them. 🙂 Then, when T-man came along, it was really important to keep the small things away from him. We were fortunate enough to have an area we could call the Play Room and T-man couldn’t go into it, or we would have him in the walker so he couldn’t get things they were playing with. We still had to keep an eye on him, but it afforded me time to cook lunch or dinner while he was down playing as well. He spent a lot of time in the walker during me preparing meals. 🙂

I say all this to encourage you. You are both doing a wonderful job and I know days come when we all get discouraged and need someone to pat us on the back. How I wish we were closer so we could see y’all more and maybe take the boys for a couple hours each week so the two of you could go out and shop, or dinner or movie, whatever. That time is so very important. Joe and I did not take much of that time together when we had little ones. About 3 times per year, Shari, (the kids called her the Bunch Lady) Sondra or Heidi came to stay with them while Joe and I went to dinner and sometimes a movie. That was our time to re-fuel and relax so we could be better parents and husband & wife. We also took trips home for the older 5 to be with grandparents and their other parents. I know that isn’t always an easy thing for y’all, and it wasn’t easy financially for us either, but we made it happen somehow. I’m sure God needed me to keep some of my sanity. LOL.

What I truly wish I would have known then was to surround myself with positive women who have been through these trenches already and could guide me, even if they didn’t know that’s what they were doing. So often if we say we want someone to “mentor” us, they run away, worrying they won’t be the mentor you may need. We can all mentor though, whether it’s to someone younger or someone older. Many of my mentors are younger than I am, but I also have some great mentors who are older and wiser. I didn’t spend enough time in God’s Word, listening to my mom, or other ladies who were likely trying to help me. I was so tied up in my day-to-day, that I didn’t see God sending people to me. I didn’t know to pray for this either.

It wasn’t until October 2002 when I met the woman who would become my mentor and friend. I devoured her books, emailed her sometimes, and prayed for our lives to cross in the flesh again. It took 8 years, but our lives did cross again. I met wonderful women through her. Women of a caliber I had never met before. They were strong Christians who had so many hurts and pains, yet… they kept their eyes on the Cross. These women and I now have a bond, some stronger than others, but, I know without a doubt, they have my back and will pray for me and with me any time. We all need friendships like this. Where we don’t worry about telling our innermost feelings and struggles for fear of judgment or loss of friendship.

Because of the time with the women I met in 2010, I have prayed and others have prayed that I find a group of women locally who will share the same ideals, who will be one another’s prayer partners, who will help others when needed, who will listen and not judge. I now have this wonderful group of women in my life. We gather together most every week in a home, eat dinner together, talk about a book we are reading through together, (or just talk) and we have grown so close to one another. We talk on a daily basis. Sometimes we chat all day long and have 50-100 messages between us, sometimes we only have 3 or 4 between us in a day. But, we have a bond like I have not seen between grown women. We take meals to one another, we drive one another to doctor appointments, we sit with one another in the ER, we watch one another’s children, we live life together. It is a wonderful feeling to have friends like this.

So, I say to you, Momma, hang in there. Pray without ceasing, and Fully Rely On God. He will give you strength you didn’t know you had. He will see you through the tough times, the “I can’t take it one more minute!” times. He is your Rock, your Hope, your Strength, you Shield. He will bring women into your life to mentor you, that you can mentor, and He will build friendships like no other, if only you ask and continue praying fervently. Ask others to join you in prayer. I had many women praying for me. It didn’t happen overnight, so don’t lose hope. Friendships take time to build. Some, you think may last do not, some you aren’t sure will last, will surprise you and possibly be the best friends you could ever hope for.

When we are faithful and we wait for God, He does amazing things in our lives! God is strong, we are weak. When we give him our fishes and loaves, He multiplies them and we are gifted with so much more! Don’t lose hope, don’t be discouraged. Stay strong, give your worries and cares to God and see how He will change your world.